


I'm Not Okay (I Promise)

by benicemurphy



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - 2000s, Alternate Universe - American High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Friends, Growing Apart, Guyliner, Light Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Nail Polish, emokid!Haru, fashion mistakes, gratuitous references to scene/emo bands, growing back together, hipster!Makoto, like so background it's basically not there, scenekid!Gou, the sourin is extremely minor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-09-13 04:25:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16885590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/benicemurphy/pseuds/benicemurphy
Summary: It's been five years since The Incident - five years since Haru and Makoto stopped being friends. They aren't the same people they used to be. When another incident arises during their senior year of high school, Haru has to face feelings that he thought he had left behind for good. Thank god he has Gou. She and the music are the only ones who understand him.





	I'm Not Okay (I Promise)

**Author's Note:**

> Shout out to [kuonji](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kuonji/profile) for giving me the seedling for this idea, and [andreaphobia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/andreaphobia/profile) for being the most excited person to read my fics every single time.
> 
> There are links to all of the songs/bands mentioned, so feel free to pull those up for a more complete 2000s nostalgia experience!
> 
> Finally, [the pic that started it all](https://www.instagram.com/p/BTBLp_ugymJ/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=1celj5jjbsuo8). Created by the amazing [gabbiegallery](https://www.instagram.com/gabbiegallery/)! Please check out her work!

“ _[M](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RW1llQXHoyk)y hopes_ _are so high that your kiss might kill me_  
_So won’t you kill me  
_ _So I die happy?"_

________________

Haru sat in his best friend’s room contemplating her glitter lamp. Watching the little metallic flecks float around inside the water was always soothing.

They weren’t doing anything, but the whole purpose of this particular visit was for Haru to keep her company while she went through the arduous process of coloring her hair. It was essentially routine, at this point; every two months or so, for the past three years, he indulged her while she redefined herself with some new color or style.

“You’re not going to have any hair left when you’re older,” he said, just as he did every time they shared this experience.

“That’s a myth,” Gou replied. “Plus, I treat my hair just fine.”

“I’m not sure your hairdresser would agree.”

“She’s old, what does she know?”

Haru said nothing, as he had no retort. Anyway, he didn’t really mind the ritual. Gou’s hair always turned out looking amazing, and the smell of the ammonia had become comforting, in a weird sort of way.

“Have you ever considered eyeliner?” she asked suddenly.

Haru cringed. “No.”

“Your eyes are so gorgeous, you know. A little liner would seriously make them pop.”

“Gou, I get enough shit for being gay as it is without actually wearing makeup.”

Gou rolled her eyes and went back to perfecting her iTunes playlist. “I keep telling you to call me Kou.”

“And I keep telling _you_ it’s much more punk to go by Gou,” he teased.

“I’m not a punk _, Haruka_.”

“Don’t call me that. I’m not the one trying to be punk.”

“Oh my god, whatever, loser.” She rolled her eyes again, this time in fond exasperation. “I’m serious about the eyeliner. Just let me try it, just once!” Haru opened his mouth to protest again but was cut off. “If you hate it, I’ll take it off immediately.” She held up her cotton swabs and makeup remover as evidence that she meant it.

Haru sighed. “Fine,” he said, resigned to his fate. At least it was something to pass the time. “But at least wash your hair out first. My eyes are already burning from the stench all the way over here.”

She laughed and swatted at him on her way out the door. “It’s time anyway,” she informed him. “When I come back, I’ll be a new Gou!”

Haru did a double take at the name, and then smiled. “I knew you’d come around.”

She flounced off to finish her hair and came back twenty minutes later with it rinsed, conditioned, dried, and straightened. Her natural red hair was now complemented with an underlayer of vibrant teal and platinum blonde, as well as a couple of teal and blonde raccoon tails asymmetrically framing her face.

As always, she looked incredible.

“How do you do that?” Haru asked, awed.

“Years of practice, sweet friend!” In no time she had already whipped out her digital camera to take roughly a hundred pictures of her new hair. Haru had no doubt that she would have a new profile pic within the hour. “Now come on.” She patted the bed where she sat. “Your turn!”

Reluctantly, he stood from his lounging spot on the floor and plopped himself next to her on the bed. “You’ll take it off if I hate it?”

“Cross my heart and hope to die.”

“Alright.”

By the time she finished, Haru already knew that it was not something he’d want to experience again. Why on Earth had anyone ever thought of doing something that required putting a stick so close to their eyes? Seriously? He was ready to tell her as much until she brought him into the bathroom to examine himself in the mirror.

“Oh,” he said. Gou just smirked. It looked… surprisingly good. He didn’t hate it. Not at all.

“You love it.” The smirk widened into the signature Matsuoka Grin™, and Haru knew he had lost.

“I’m still not going out like this.”

“That’s fine! But can we at least take a picture together? Please please _please?_ ” Without letting him answer, she pressed herself to his side and raised the camera above them for the perfect MySpace Angle. With a click, it was done, and knowing Gou there would be evidence of Haru wearing makeup for the rest of his life. Oh well.

As they ventured downstairs to search for some food, they heard the latch of the front door closing.

“Gou?” called a familiar voice. Haru felt himself shrink down.

“In here!” she called back, and a few seconds later Rin walked into the kitchen, followed by, to Haru’s absolute horror, Makoto.

“Oh, hey,” Rin said, somewhat awkwardly. That was all it ever was between them anymore. Once upon they had actually been friends, but that was years ago. Now they were too different; they didn’t like the same things, they didn’t run in the same circles, and without swimming to talk about, they had nothing to say to each other. Not that Haru disliked Rin or vice versa, but hanging around in someone’s house when you hadn’t been friends for a really long time was just… weird.

And Makoto… well…

“Hi, Haru,” he said with a gentle smile.

Haru did his best to smile back, but it probably came off as more of a grimace, seeing as his heart was thumping so hard in his chest that it physically hurt.

“Hi,” he said anyway, feeling small and uncomfortable. To make matters worse, it hit him at that moment that he was wearing _eyeliner._ Rin and Gou were barely ever home at the same time, and Haru could count on one hand the number of times he had run into Makoto in the Matsuoka residence since The Incident in middle school. Of course it had to be today of all days, the day that Gou had convinced him to wear makeup, that he would run into Makoto, the one person in the world that he just couldn’t handle being around.

He whipped his head around quickly and let his bangs fall in front of his eyes. Maybe they hadn’t noticed. Maybe he could maintain what little dignity he had left, and tomorrow the whole school _wouldn’t_ be talking about how _that gay emo kid_ was in Rin Matsuoka’s house hanging out with his little sister and wearing her makeup.

Well, that wasn’t really fair. Rin wasn’t a bad guy… he just didn’t think before opening his mouth, sometimes.

“How are you two, today?” Makoto asked, always the polite one. Haru wanted to die.

Thankfully, Gou had enough years of Best Friend Training under her studded belt that she knew when they needed to evacuate a situation.

“Great! We were actually just heading out to get some food, so we’ll see you another time!”

She dragged Haru away before he could protest going out in public with makeup on, which was the exact opposite of what he wanted to do, but seeing as the only person whose stupid opinion had ever mattered had already seen him, it wasn’t like he really had anything left to lose.

They settled for takeout and spent the rest of their evening at Haru’s house watching 10 Things I Hate About You for the trillionth time. It was just that kind of night.

________________

When Makoto woke up the next morning, he couldn’t get the image of big, haunting blue eyes out of his mind. Had they been brighter yesterday? Or had they always been that blue?

He couldn’t remember. It had been a long time since he’d dreamt about his childhood friend, the last time being just a few months after Haru stopped talking to him, and the disruption to his norm wasn’t welcome.

He had done a lot over the past five years to try to forget about him, but every time he thought he was finally okay, something sent him spiraling back in time, reliving the days when Haru was everything to him, and he to Haru.

It was a terrible way to start the day.

Rin, of course, immediately called out his foul mood the second he walked into the classroom.

“Wow, Makoto, you look like shit.”

“Gee, thanks. I can always count on you for a confidence boost.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. You’re hot as always, obviously,” he laughed. Then, more seriously, he asked, “What’s going on?”

Makoto sighed as he slumped into his chair, and let his head drop onto his desk with a loud and overly-dramatic _thunk_. He then let out the world’s most dramatic sigh with his arms hanging limply to the floor and said, “It’s nothing.”

He could practically hear Rin rolling his eyes into the back of his head.

“Your eyes are going to stick that way someday,” he said without raising his head.

“That’s a myth, Makoto,” Rin said, and Makoto heard something that sounded like a snort coming from the other side of the classroom, somewhere in the direction of… no, that couldn’t be right.

He lifted his head and glanced over at the window where Haru always sat, and sure enough, there he was, head bowed in a poor attempt to hide a smirk.

What could possibly be so funny? The fact that Haru seemed to be laughing at his pain only made it worse, especially because he was the cause of it. It just didn’t seem right, and it didn’t seem fair. Why wasn’t he suffering? They had been best friends. Did he really care so little? Makoto dropped his head to his desk again, a little harder this time, and sulked.

“Ouch, knock it off!” Rin scolded. “If you keeping beating your head on the desk you’re going to lose every brain cell you have left. And I need you to give Yamazaki a run for his money this year.”

At that, Makoto actually chuckled a bit. “I doubt that’ll happen. He’s been the valedictorian for the past three years already. I doubt that’ll change this year.”

Then it was Rin’s turn to groan, and in a much quieter voice, so that only Makoto to hear, he said, “You’re probably right. I just wish he wasn’t so perfect. Makes not wanting to make out with him in the dugout a whole lot harder.”

Makoto laughed again, loudly and joyfully, and immediately remembered why Rin was still his best friend. “You’re an idiot,” he said, still laughing. He really could count on Rin to brighten his day when he needed it most.

He chanced another glance at Haru, who was back to morosely staring out the window. He really didn’t understand him anymore. Ever since The Incident, everything Haru did was a mystery. Granted, Haru was never exactly _open_ about what he was feeling, but he was never so closed off, not to Makoto. Since that day, though, it had been nothing but radio silence, and the years of closed communication made him totally unreadable.

_Snap snap snap._

“Hey! Sleeping Beauty! Wake up and listen to me!”

Makoto was snapped out of his reverie by a very irritable Rin, who apparently had been in the middle of saying something very important.

“You good?”

“Yeah,” Makoto said. “Just a little tired. Bad night’s sleep.”

“Okay, well, are we still on for this afternoon?”

“My sleeve? Yeah, the appointment is right after school.”

“Sick!” Rin exclaimed. “I still don’t know where you get all of this money…”

“Hah, mowing lawns and teaching swim classes all summer helps.”

The bell rang to signal the start of class just as their first period teacher strode into the room and dropped her bag onto her desk. Just like that, the day began, and Makoto was able to start the process of forgetting Haru and his stunning blue eyes all over again.

________________

Haru hated not having lunch with Gou. She was the only person in the school he actually enjoyed having lunch with, and yet there he was, same as every other day, sitting at a table with two of the loudest, preppiest kids in school.

What was it about underclassmen, anyway? Why did they always flock to him? What was it about these two idiots in particular that made them want to hang out with _him_?

“And then I told her that my mom does _not_ dress me, thank you very much, that I happen to _like_ pink, and in fact, _real men_ wear pink, so I’ll wear all the pink I want!”

“Historically speaking, pink was considered a very masculine color until about the 1940s when consumers began purchasing more pink merchandise for girls and blue merchandise for boys.”

“See? In her face!”

“That’s right, now calm down, Nagisa. You know, she does have a point, though. Wearing the same color every day does not provide a lot of variety, and you know what they say! Variety is the spice of life! A more varied color palette makes for a much more beautiful wardrobe—”

“Okay Rei, thank you for the lecture and the history lesson, but this pudding cup and I have some very important business to attend to, so I’ll need some peace and quiet.”

Haru sighed. Those two were exhausting.

Honestly, they were alright guys, despite the obscene number of polo shirts and khaki shorts they seemed to own. They were an eye sore when seen together, which was always. At the moment, for example, Rei was wearing a pale lavender polo under a gaudy, multicolored argyle sweater vest, and Nagisa was layering _two_ polos: one pale yellow and the other bubblegum pink, with a pair of sky blue shorts. Absolutely ridiculous. Why on Earth would anyone wear so many shirts at one time?

He had originally attempted to block out the conversation by blasting music through his earbuds, but naturally, Nagisa’s voice was able to carry over literally anything, and so he resigned himself to listening to their asinine conversation about the color pink.

“Actually, Haru, I should say the same to you,” Rei continued, unperturbed. “You wear an awful lot of black and red, two colors that do not naturally complement your coloration.”

Haru glared at Rei. Did he seriously think Haru was the type to consider which colors complemented his coloration? How many rainbow-colored band tees did he suppose [AFI](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Yzu-4kJg6g) or [H](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EnzA6mHQrog)awthorne Heights actually produced?

“Rei, I’m gay, but I’m not that fruity.”

Rei sputtered indignantly as all of the blood in his body rushed to his face. Nagisa choked on his pudding, and Haru pounded his back so that he wouldn't choke to death and let out an exasperated sigh.

“Sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to choke you.”

“If Rei’s face when you said that had been the last thing I ever saw, it would have been worth it.”

For a minute, Haru remembered why he still sat at the same table with the same moronic juniors every day, and allowed himself a tiny smile. Gou would enjoy hearing about this conversation later.

Unfortunately, sitting at one of the long tables in the middle of the cafeteria inevitably meant they would have to share the table with other people. Of course, Makoto’s annoying friends also happened to pick that particular long table that day, and as they sat down, Haru held his breath and hoped against hope that Makoto chose to sit _anywhere_ else.

No such luck, naturally; in fact, to make matters worse, the only open seat happened to be the one right next to Haru.

He immediately felt himself tense up, and judging by the basically nonexistent distance between them, Makoto probably felt it, too. He didn’t care. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t sit next to the guy who made him completely miserable. He couldn’t stand Makoto. He hated everything about him, from his stupid plaid shirt to his rolled up jeans to his slouchy knit hat. He hated his smoldering green eyes and his dopey grin, and he especially hated that brand new tattoo working its way down his arm—

What the shit, when did _that_ happen?

He couldn’t breathe. It was too close, too much, he wasn’t equipped for any of it. It was bad enough that they were in basically all of the same classes together, and that Makoto was best friends with his best friend’s brother, but to be subjected to the smell of his Axe body spray at what had to be a lethal distance was something he just couldn’t take.

He stood up abruptly and swiped the remainder of his lunch off the table and into the trash. He was almost finished anyway. As he gathered his things and turned to make his way out of the cafeteria, he accidentally caught Makoto’s eye, who appeared alarmed and offended by something. Probably Haru touching him.

Haru scowled and whipped around again, prepared this time to storm off into the nearest empty classroom. Before he could finish making his extremely graceful getaway, one of the guys on the soccer team stuck his foot out, and Haru wasn’t fast enough to avoid it, face-planting with an impressive swan dive. His bag flew out of his hands, and most of his things scattered across the floor. The soccer table howled. His knees and elbows hurt, but he didn’t waste any time to check himself over. He stuffed his things back into his bag as quickly as possible and hastily zipped it. He was almost gone before he was stopped yet again, this time by a girl in his class. She was flanked by another girl and a guy Haru recognized as her boyfriend. He was tempted to just turn and run, so sick of everyone in the entire stupid school, without even hearing what she had to say. Instead of saying anything, she just held out her hand. In it was the plastic dolphin charm he always hung from his backpack. His heart gave one last strong _thud_ and then stopped altogether.

He was tempted not to take it. He wanted to just let it go and run away, maybe leave school for the day, go home and blast his stereo while there were no neighbors around to complain about the noise.

Instead, he reached out and took. “Thanks, I guess,” he mumbled. “It’s not that big a deal, though. It’s just a stupid dolphin.”

The girl shrugged. “Whatever. You’re welcome.” Then she and her friends turned and walked away.

He clutched the dolphin for a minute. The strap had broken when he fell. He would need to find a new way to attach it to his backpack. He looked up once more out of curiosity and directed his gaze at his lunch table. Rei and Nagisa were frowning worriedly at him, but didn’t make any moves to follow him. Makoto was just staring. He probably thought Haru was a total spaz. Whatever.

He shoved the dolphin into his pocket and exited through one of the side doors leading to the parking lot. He was so over this shit.

As he fled the campus, he flipped open his phone and sent Gou a curt message: _Going home. Burn me a copy of[W](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HnQ1iZqfo9E&index=2&list=PLkuaxzuEdsRD3K6HQqUMtcZjNipRCuHO6)hat To Do When You Are Dead._

________________

The dolphin didn’t make it back onto Haru’s backpack for at least another week, Makoto noticed. He had been trying his best not to notice anything about Haru at all, but as usual, he was failing.

He really didn’t understand why Haru still had it in the first place. Maybe it was ironic. He obviously hated Makoto, so much that he couldn’t even stand to breathe the same air as him, so Makoto was baffled as to why he still held onto something that had been a gift roughly ten years ago.

He also noticed the very first day that Haru walked into the classroom sporting two brand new lip piercings. Something twisted in his gut. It was a good look for him. A really good look, if Makoto were being honest. Even so, he couldn’t stop his brain from conjuring up images of someone five years younger. He looked down at his own arm, where his tattoo was only half-covered by his sleeve, and the realization hit yet again of how much they had grown up, and grown apart. In his mind, he saw a small, wide-eyed boy, only 13 years old. He saw a boy who ran away from him one day, as fast as he possibly could, and never looked back.

He felt a lump growing in his throat and tried to clear it. His chest hurt. He felt nauseous. He looked at Haru from across the room again and frowned at his new snakebites. That was not the Haru he knew. The Haru he knew was long gone, and 13-year-old Makoto gone with him.

He hated it.

It was becoming harder and harder to pretend that he was okay with the way things had turned out. He was angry, and all he could do about it was stare a hole in the side of Haru’s head.

Rin caught him staring and flicked him. “Man, if looks could kill…” he trailed off.

Makoto knew he was being unreasonable, but he couldn’t stop. He was pissed. He yanked off his slouchy hat and threw it on his desk, sinking both of his hands into his already unruly hair.

“Are you okay?” Rin tried again. Makoto just shrugged, hands buried in his hair, face downturned and eyes closed. “Is it… It’s Haru, right?”

Makoto nodded. There was no point in denying in.

“What about him? Did he pull some shit again? I swear to God, Makoto, if he said some rude shit to you or pulled another punk-ass stunt like he did at lunch last week—”

“He didn’t do anything,” Makoto interrupted quietly. “He’s never done anything. He just fucking hates me.”

Rin got very quiet after that and didn’t press the conversation. If Makoto weren’t already completely miserable, he may have worried at the uncharacteristic behavior, but as it were, he didn’t really have it in him to house any more negative emotions for the time being.

A few moments later, Makoto heard a commotion coming from the other side of the room. He looked up, attention piqued, and saw Haru desperately searching through his things. A group of guys at the back of the class were snickering together. Haru upturned his backpack and allowed the entirely of its contents to drop onto and around his desk. He got up too quickly, knocking his desk askew, and whirled around to face the guys laughing at his expense.

“Where is it,” he demanded. Although it was phrased as a question, it sounded more like a threat.

“Where’s _what_ , freak?” one of the bigger guys said.

“Give it back,” Haru spat. “It’s mine.”

“You have to ask nicely!” chimed in another.

Haru looked like he was ready to break. He closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths, fists clenched tightly at his sides. Makoto’s gut twisted again, more painfully than before.

At long last, he opened his eyes, unclenched his fists, and sat down. He wasn’t going to give into their games. Instead, he collected everything he had dumped out and sat at his desk, nearly shaking with anger. Makoto wanted to reach out, maybe lay a steadying hand on his shoulder or rub soothing circles on his back. Maybe he could get Rin to text Gou and have her come calm him down. He hated not being able to do anything. He hated the kids at the back of the room for treating Haru so poorly when he never did anything to anyone.

Haru may have looked tough, but he had always been a sweet kid. Even now, with his dark wardrobe consisting of too many shirts with Xs and bleeding hearts and his intimidating but flattering facial piercings, he never had a mean word to say against anyone. He minded his own business. Makoto felt that a lot of people could stand to take a page or two from his book.

When the group of guys got bored of antagonizing Haru, having realized that he wasn’t interested in submitting to them, they tossed the stolen item off to the side. When Makoto saw what it was, he instantly felt his face heat up and his heart start beating double time.

So maybe it wasn’t ironic. Maybe he did still care.

At the end of the period, Makoto collected the charm and slipped it back onto Haru’s desk when he wasn’t looking. When Haru turned back and saw the dolphin lying there, Makoto thought he could almost see tears forming in his eyes. He averted his gaze as quickly as possible and tried his best to look indifferent. If Haru spared him so much as a passing glance, Makoto didn’t catch it.

________________

They were hanging out in Gou’s room again, since Gou’s mother didn’t really love the idea of them hanging out alone in Haru’s empty house too often, despite the fact that they had both made it abundantly clear that there was absolutely _no_ chance of anything happening between them.

They weren’t speaking, but it was comfortable. Bert McCracken’s voice was the only sound echoing throughout the room.

_“_[W](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bwi8-E5RWYA)ithout it all  
_I’m choking on nothing_  
_It’s clear in my head_  
_And I’m screaming for something  
_ _Knowing nothing is better than knowing at all”_

Haru was allowing Gou to paint his fingernails today, black, of course. She had begged him to let her use neon green, but he was feeling rather averse to the color green recently. Besides, nail polish was only moderately better than eyeliner. The only color he could reasonably get away with was black.

When the song ended, Haru huffed a dramatic sigh. Gou capped the bottle and blew on his nails. The next song started, but Gou spoke over it.

“So, that bad, huh?”

Haru closed his eyes and allowed himself to sprawl fully on the ground. “Worse,” he corrected.

“What happened?”

“I freaked out.”

“I got that much. You forget, my brother is in your class. It’s not like I wasn’t going to hear about it.”

Haru scowled. “He probably thought it was funny. He and M-Makoto both.” He hated himself for how difficult it was to say Makoto’s name.

“They didn’t,” she said solemnly. “You know they wouldn’t laugh at something like that.”

Haru was quiet for a long time, letting the music fill the silence. He didn’t want to say what was on his mind, but in a sick sort of way, he knew he had to.

Eventually, he spoke up.

“Gou?”

“Yeah?”

“I think Makoto is the one who got it back for me.”

Gou smiled softly. “That was sweet of him.”

“Yeah,” he agreed. He was quiet again for a little while. “Gou?”

“Yeah?”

“I hate him.”

“I know.”

“But I’m in love with him, too.”

Admitting it out loud was a lot more painful than he expected it to be. He felt a single tear slip out of the corner of his eye and down his temple before settling in his hair. Now that he’d said it, he knew it was true, and there was no taking it back.

He hated himself for it. He hated Makoto for making him feel too much, but he loved him. He loved him _so much_. He hated how much he loved him. He wished they had never been friends in the first place.

Gou laid down next to him on the floor and turned to face him. “It’s going to be okay, kid,” she said. She took his hand, and he allowed their fingers to lace together. “I’m here. You’re going to be fine.”

He allowed a few more silent tears to fall with the safety of his best friend beside him.

________________

Haru wouldn’t even meet his eye. It had been two weeks since his freakout in class, and since then, Haru wouldn’t even so much as risk a glance in Makoto’s direction.

It hurt. When he saw how important that stupid dolphin charm was to him, he thought that maybe, just _maybe_ , Haru still held onto a little bit of their previous friendship. Instead, it seemed that he wanted even less to do with Makoto than before, if that were even possible. He scowled at the clownfish on his own backpack as if it were the fish's fault.

The black nail polish on Haru's fingernails had practically all chipped off, which Makoto knew because unlike Haru, Makoto was completely incapable of keeping his eyes to himself anymore. He noticed that Haru liked to pick at the polish when he was bored, but if he was feeling anxious or concentrating on something, he chewed on one of his lip studs.

He seemed anxious much more often than normal recently, and it worried Makoto immensely. It was new, only surfacing since the dolphin freakout, but it was unsettling. He knew it wasn’t his business anymore what went on in Haru’s life — Haru had made that abundantly clear over the past five years — but he wanted answers.

Biology class sparked an entirely new issue as the teacher introduced their senior science project. They were to choose a biological topic related to current events and complete an experiment based on their topic. At the end of the year, they would need to present their experiment and turn in a binder with all of their research and the written report. It would count for 30% of their final grade.

Makoto and Rin turned to each other, ready to pair up as always, when the teacher dropped the bomb.

“Because of the nature and scope of this project, partners will be assigned. This is not the time to goof off with your friends. This project is a big deal. Take it seriously.”

He went down the roll alphabetically to assign partners. Makoto’s stomach sank when the teacher called “Matsuoka” and “Yamazaki” together. Of course, he was thrilled for Rin; he got the smartest kid in class and the guy he was head over heels for all wrapped up into one. He could tell that Rin was pretty stoked, too, though he also looked apologetic, as if he could have somehow influenced the decision. Makoto just shrugged at him in an “oh well” gesture.

Two more pairs of partners were picked, and then it happened.

“Nanase, you will be paired with… Tachibana.”

Makoto whipped his head in Haru’s direction so quickly that he swore he gave himself whiplash. Haru did _not_ look happy.

When the teacher set them loose to split into their assigned pairs, Makoto tentatively got up and walked over to where Haru was sitting. Haru did not look up at him. Makoto cleared his throat. Nothing.

He sighed and sat backwards in the now-empty desk in front of Haru’s. Still, Haru said nothing; he didn’t so much as acknowledge Makoto’s presence. When Makoto leaned closer, he could finally hear the faintest of sounds: first, shallow, rapid breathing, then an almost inaudible, “This cannot be happening.”

Makoto had no idea what to do. He felt like his heart was breaking. He didn’t _ask_ for this. In fact, he didn’t ask for any of it. He didn’t ask to be partnered with someone who hated his guts for a reason he’d probably never know, or to be stuck in the same classes with him, or to run into him in his best friend's house, or to have ever stopped being friends with him in the first place.

He suddenly felt like he couldn’t deal with it anymore.

“Excuse me,” he said to Haru as he hastily left to go address their teacher. He couldn’t be in the room anymore. He felt suffocated. This stupid project was going to count for 30% of his final grade, and he had no idea if they were even going to be able to complete it.

He approached the teacher and began speaking without waiting to be addressed. “I’m feeling really sick. Could I be excused to the bathroom for a bit?”

“Of course,” the teacher responded. “Are you alright? It seems like this came on pretty suddenly.”

“Yeah,” Makoto said. “I just really need some air or something.”

“Go then,” he said, writing up the hall pass, “but come back soon. You and Haruka should get started as quickly as possible.”

Makoto fought back the urge to throw up right then and there as be bolted from the classroom.

________________

**xXkillerkouXx:** wear the faded skinnies  
**xXkillerkouXx:** the grayish ones  
**xXkillerkouXx:** they make your ass look hott  
**fishxboy:** im not trying to look hot  
**fishxboy:** better yet if i could get him to not look at me at all  
**fishxboy:** that would be great  
**xXkillerkouXx:** haru  
**xXkillerkouXx:** put on the damn pants  
**fishxboy:** no  
**xXkillerkouXx:** dont make me come over there  
**fishxboy:** you wont  
**_xXkillerkouXx signed off at 3:56:07 PM.  
_** **fishxboy:** i know ur just invisible  
**fishxboy:** dont come over here  
**fishxboy:** pls come back i need help  
**fishxboy:** he lives like 5 secs frOM MY HOUSE  
**fishxboy:** SRSLY  
**_xXkillerkouXx signed on at 4:03:24 PM.  
_** **xXkillerkouXx:** put on the faded skinnies  
**xXkillerkouXx:** and that [FFTL](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOtWzYwYjas) shirt  
**fishxboy:** the one with the ribcage?  
**xXkillerkouXx:** ya :]  
**xXkillerkouXx:** it makes ur arms look good <333  
**fishxboy:** you know i like boys right  
**xXkillerkouXx:** </3 yes  
**xXkillerkouXx:** ilysm tho  
**fishxboy:** <3  
**fishxboy:** me too  
**fishxboy:** thx  
**xXkillerkouXx:** i could come do ur eyes if u want  
**fishxboy:** NO  
**_fishxboy signed off at 4:06:13 PM._**

________________

Haru glanced at his clock again. Only 24 minutes until Makoto would be there, in his room, in his empty house, totally alone. He was so nervous and filled with dread that he thought he might actually faint. 24 minutes was enough time to change and make sure there wasn’t anything horribly embarrassing in his room, right?

He put on the outfit Gou suggested and felt marginally better. He really did look pretty good. It was another one of Gou’s special talents — knowing every piece of clothing in Haru’s wardrobe and being able to envision exactly what looked good. He supposed that was another perk of having a girl best friend. She checked him out constantly, and the never-ending stream of love, support, and semi-inappropriate compliments did wonders for his self-esteem. Most of the time, anyway.

Now, however, despite his hot ass and arms, he was still a nervous wreck.

Maybe he should put on some music. Yeah, that would be good. Then it wouldn’t seem like he was just sitting around in a big empty house alone, in silence, waiting for Makoto to save him from his lonely emo life.

What kind of music was even appropriate for the situation? It couldn’t be anything too hardcore, since that wouldn’t be good for studying, but something quieter would seem too… romantic. In the end, he chose something that helped calm him down and put [T](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fZ2lKr7YXxk)he Scene Aesthetic on shuffle. That would be fine, right? Sure, they were kind of acoustic and sappy, but at least the lyrics weren’t overtly romantic. Mostly.

He then took another cursory glance around his room and discovered the Happy Bunny pillow that Gou had gotten him as a joke for his birthday last year. “Shut up and be naked,” it said, so he had to keep it stashed any time his parents came back to visit or else he would _definitely_ hear about it. His face flamed up thinking of the implications of Makoto seeing that pillow on his bed while they were alone in his house, so he jammed it into his closet and covered it with a pile of laundry, just in case.

At 4:30 sharp, Haru heard three confident-sounding knocks. He made his way down the stairs and paused in front of the door to take a deep breath and steady his shaking hands. He counted down from three in his head and opened the door.

“Come in,” he said, eyes downcast. The second he glanced Makoto, he knew he was screwed. His v-neck was too tight and showed off his muscles and tattoo, and his rolled cut-offs showed off his long legs. If Haru was going to make it through their science project, he wouldn’t be able to look at Makoto at all. He had no idea how he was supposed to stand next to him at the end of it and present their findings in front of the entire class.

“Thanks,” Makoto said and stepped inside.

“I thought we’d study in my room. If that’s, um, okay.”

“That’s fine.” Makoto allowed Haru to lead the way, taking only polite interest in his surroundings as they ascended the steps and crossed into Haru’s bedroom. “Where are your parents?”

Haru couldn’t stop the full-body cringe before it was too late. Makoto had to have noticed. “They don’t live here,” he said, hoping Makoto wouldn’t ask anymore questions.

“You live _alone_?” he asked. Disbelief colored his question. Haru immediately felt annoyed.

“Yeah. For about three years now.”

Makoto’s mouth fell open, and Haru had to remind himself again to just _stop looking at him_. He didn’t want Makoto’s sympathy, or awe, whichever emotion he chose to express.

“So here’s fine?” he asked, plopping down on the floor and unpacking his biology notes.

Thankfully, Makoto took the hint and didn’t say any more about it. He sat at a right angle to Haru, not next to him but not across from him, and pulled out his own notes. Neither of them spoke for a few minutes while they looked over the project instructions and dug through their notes to find anything potentially relevant.

“Oh, I love this song,” Makoto remarked offhand as the previous song faded out and a new one began. It was _[Y](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUf7yfmVHtE)es, Even Stars Break_, a song that Haru usually skipped.

“It makes me sad,” he said out of reflex, for absolutely no reason at all, and then immediately wished he hadn’t.

“Me too,” Makoto agreed to Haru’s infinite surprise.

At that point, Haru couldn’t help but stare. “Why do you love it if it makes you sad?”

Makoto just chuckled. “Haru, who’s your favorite band?”

“[M](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UCCyoocDxBA&list=PLzj6FpSTIhfiQVvqraylTEFsuEGohUVUI)y Chemical Romance,” he replied immediately. Makoto paused for emphasis with one eyebrow raised. “Oh,” Haru murmured. “Point taken.”

Makoto smiled then, the same gentle one he wore at Gou’s house just a few weeks before. Haru couldn’t breathe.

“What about you?” he blurted suddenly. “Your favorite band, I mean.”

“Oh!” Makoto looked genuinely surprised, but he recovered quickly. “Um, well right now I’m really into [T](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zLkB2U_hwI)he Academy Is…, but overall probably [M](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i_nT6ojWzxo)otion City Soundtrack.”

It was Haru’s turn to be surprised. It must have shown, because Makoto laughed again. “What? Is it really so shocking that we have similar taste in music?”

“Well, yeah,” Haru admitted. “I didn’t think we’d ever be into the same things again.”

“Maybe you don’t know me as well as you think you do,” Makoto muttered under his breath. Haru wasn’t sure if he was supposed to have heard it.

“So, what’s your favorite MCS song?” he asked, rather than addressing the comment. “Don’t say [L](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GFaX1xPLJAQ).G. FUAD.”

“No,” he laughed. He did that a lot. “[B](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TeMLp1fIBDg)etter Open the Door.”

Haru laughed this time, a brief bark of a laugh, just because he was so surprised by the answer. It didn’t take him any time to figure out exactly why Makoto liked that particular song. “I’ll swim backwards,” he said.

“You get it!” Makoto exclaimed, looking so excited and happy that Haru momentarily forgot all of the horrible feelings associated with him. For a few seconds, it almost felt like they could be friends again. Almost.

A comfortable silence fell, and it took him a few minutes to realize that he had never actually told Makoto his favorite band. By the time Haru had developed his taste in music, he and Makoto hadn’t been friends for a long time. “Wait a second,” he started. “How did you know MCR was my favorite band?”

Makoto’s eyes widened marginally, as if he’d just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar, and Haru thought he even saw the beginnings of a blush. His heart pounded a few times in protest.

“I just noticed you have like, an MCR shirt for every day of the week, and you wear them more than any other band shirts.”

“Maybe I just like the designs,” Haru argued.

“Maybe,” he conceded. “But you’ve always been the type who gets really into what he loves, so I’m guessing that has more to do with it.”

Haru’s heart started pounding again, even harder than before, and he began to feel some of the panic from biology class return. “Don’t do that,” he hissed. “Don’t pretend like you know me when you don’t.”

The atmosphere suddenly turned thick. Haru felt like an idiot. He had let his guard down, blinded by a single common interest and a radiant smile, and now he was paying for it. He didn’t want to talk about the past. He didn’t want to talk about anything, actually, except for their stupid project, and even that was debatable at the moment. He had no idea how Makoto had tricked him into feeling comfortable so easily.

Makoto clearly felt the tension too, as Haru saw him clench and unclench a fist. Out of nowhere, he threw down his pencil and slammed both of his hands down on the floor. “And whose fault do you think that is?” he demanded.

In all Haru’s life, he didn’t think he had ever seen Makoto so mad. It made him remember why he had cut ties so many years ago; he had never wanted to upset Makoto. Still, who was Makoto to point fingers?

“Yours!” Haru stubbornly insisted. “I saw your face when—” He snapped his mouth shut so hard that his teeth clacked. His jaw hurt from clenching it, but he was afraid that if he loosened it, he’d finish his sentence and ruin everything.

Makoto’s anger melted almost instantaneously. “When what?”

Haru screwed his eyes shut and shook his head. There was no way.

“Haru,” Makoto reached over and gingerly brushed his fingers against Haru’s white-knuckled fists. Haru’s eyes flew open and he looked straight at Makoto. Why was he touching him? “You saw my face when what?” he whispered.

Those big puppy dog eyes were staring at him, straight into his soul, and there was nothing Haru could do about it. He was trapped. Makoto’s fingers were still on his hand, and Haru’s stomach erupted with butterflies.

He felt like he was in a trance. Gradually he allowed his fists and jaw to relax.

He swallowed, hard, and dropped his gaze to the floor.

“When you found out about me. When Rin accidentally told everyone. You were disgusted.”

“What?”

The silenced that stretched then was anything _but_ comfortable.

“Don’t try to deny it,” Haru said. He hated talking about it. He had tried so hard to patch up that wound, but his realization a couple of weeks earlier had torn it open again. It wasn’t fair. “I saw the way you looked at me after. Like you didn’t know me at all, like you couldn’t believe what you were hearing. All I did was do you a favor. I left so you wouldn’t have to. Don’t try to say it’s my fault we aren’t friends.”

Makoto’s fingers crept across the back of his hand and latched on. Haru sucked in an audible breath before looking up again.

Makoto was closer. Much closer.

“I was surprised,” he admitted, “but I wasn’t disgusted. I could never be disgusted with you.”

Haru blushed at the sincerity of his words.

“You don’t know that,” Haru murmured, feeling much shier than before.

“I do,” Makoto insisted in a whisper. “You haven’t changed that much, you know.”

“I have.”

“You haven’t. Just because you have piercings and wear nail polish and makeup—”

“I _don’t_ wear makeup!”

“—doesn’t mean you’ve changed as a person.” He edged a little closer. “The snakebites look good, by the way.” Closer. “And for the record, so did the eyeliner.” Closer. The smell of his body spray that had seemed so offensive at lunch not so long ago was now extremely enticing.

Haru closed his eyes. He didn’t know what was happening; or rather, he didn’t dare to _hope_ that what he thought was happening was actually happening. “I really like your tattoo,” he whispered, hoping it was appropriate.

“Thanks,” came the response entirely to close to his own lips. He could feel Makoto’s breath. Instinctively, he leaned in just a couple of centimeters.

Apparently, that was enough encouragement for Makoto, and he closed the remaining distance between their lips. The second they made contact, Haru’s mind went blank, and the backs of his eyelids turned white. His ears rang, his heart stopped, and all he could sense was Makoto’s perfect lips against his own.

He pressed forward, leaning into the kiss, wanting to experience it fully and for as long as possible. He felt Makoto’s lips part and followed his lead, locking their lips together in a more intimate way. It was soft and slow, and it did things to Haru that he had only seen in books and movies. If he died at that moment, he would die the happiest man in the world.

A few seconds later, they parted, and Haru opened his eyes to Makoto’s bright green ones.

“What was that?” he asked.

“I miss you,” Makoto replied. “I still think about you every day.”

Haru could feel stinging behind his eyes but forced himself to hold back.

“I miss you, too,” he admitted. They came together for one more kiss before finally getting to work on their biology project. It went much more smoothly than before.

________________

**xXkillerkouXx:** ok whats the emergency  
**fishxboy:** he kissed me  
**xXkillerkouXx:** !!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
**xXkillerkouXx:** a;lskdgjal;kgjs;dljsdlgsal  
**xXkillerkouXx:** WHAT!!  
**xXkillerkouXx:** HARUKA  
**xXkillerkouXx:** YOU LITTLE SLUT  
**xXkillerkouXx:** TELL ME EVERYTHING  
**fishxboy:** twice  
**xXkillerkouXx:** OMG!!!!!  
**fishxboy:** ive been listening to [s](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ETRnLb7I7J0)econdhand serenade on repeat for like 4 hrs  
**xXkillerkouXx:** shut up lol  
**xXkillerkouXx:** ur so lame  
**fishxboy:** gou  
**fishxboy:** he KISSED me  
**xXkillerkouXx:** :] :] :]  
**xXkillerkouXx:** bby im SO happy for you <33333  
**xXkillerkouXx:** you deserve to be happy  
**xXkillerkouXx:** but ur not getting out of spilling all the deets tomorrow!!

________________

_“My heart is yours to fill or burst_  
_To break or bury_  
_Or wear as jewelry  
_ _Whichever you prefer”_

Makoto was not surprised to find Haru at the Matsuoka house when he got there, but he was a little nervous to see him again.

Telling Rin what happened had been rough. For all of Rin’s good points, of which there were many, one giant glaring negative was his inability to ever let anything go.

“He abandoned you, Makoto! He abandoned both of us! What the hell are you doing?” he had shouted. The truth stung, but Makoto had gotten his answers, and he knew it wasn’t that simple.

“Please, _please_ give him a chance,” he had begged. “It’s really important to me. _He’s_ important to me.”

Rin had conceded, a little reluctantly and a lot dramatically, but in the end had promised to make an effort.

So when Makoto walked in the door and found Rin, Haru, and Gou all gathered together a little awkwardly in the living room, he beamed.

“Hi, everyone!” he called.

“Makoto!” Rin and Gou cried in unison. He had always been on friendly terms with Gou, but he was a little flattered to receive such a warm welcome.

“Hello, Makoto,” Haru said, much more subdued. He smiled just a little, a small thing that could barely be considered a smile, but Makoto thought it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

“Hi, Haru,” he breathed. He didn’t know what kind of face he was making, but a sweet blush bloomed on Haru’s face and, oh, Makoto was wrong — _that_ was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

“Oh my god,” the siblings groaned in unison.

“You guys are gross,” Gou gushed. “I love it.”

Rin rolled his eyes. “I could do without it.”

“I could do without watching you drool over Yamazaki all day in calculus,” Haru deadpanned, and Makoto couldn’t help but crack up.

Rin’s face was priceless. Gou’s was even better.

“ _Excuse_ me? Do you mean _Sousuke_?” she squeaked.

Haru raised an eyebrow. “You know him?”

“He was Rin’s best friend before he met you guys! He hates you by the way,” she threw offhandedly to Haru.

“I’m aware,” he replied. “He’s probably afraid I’ll jump him or something.”

“Nope!” she beamed. She was far too excited about this piece of news, in Makoto’s opinion. She and Haru’s relationship was weird. “He hates you because he thinks Rin is in love with you.” Makoto choked on his own spit and Haru gaped, actually gaped with his mouth hanging open, while Rin tried his best to become one with the floor. “He wasn’t _always_ the smartest kid,” she finished, as if that explained anything.

“That’s disgusting,” Rin grumbled. “As if I’d ever be into a guy like that.” Makoto pinched him. “Is that why he doesn’t talk to me anymore? Because he thinks I’m in love with the object of my best friend’s obsession?” Makoto pinched him again, _much_ harder. “Ow! What, it’s true!” He hoped it left a bruise.

Haru turned his head, but Makoto could see the redness on his ears and the little upturn to the corner of his lips.

Suddenly Rin perked up. “Wait a minute. First of all, let’s all glaze over the fact that Haru just outed me to my sister—”

“You outed me to the entire middle school.”

“—That’s fair, moving on — One, how did you know that, and two, _what do you mean he hates Haru because he thinks I’m in love with him_? What are you trying to say?”

“I’m saying you’re extremely obvious, and if you don’t knock it off, the entire class is going to figure out you like boys, too.”

“ _Not you_!”

“Me?” Gou asked.

“Obviously you!” He threw up his hands in exasperation. “What aren’t you telling me?!”

“Oh, well, he’s been into you since we were kids, but since you never bothered to tell me, your beautiful, loving, supportive baby sister about this massive part of yourself, I didn’t really think it was my place to say anything.”

Rin looked caught between ecstatic, humiliated, and furious, all three of which combined to make his face a very impressive shade of vermillion, and he stormed off into another room.

If Makoto were a bigger person, he would have gone after him, but he stayed back instead, caught by the sparkle in Haru’s eyes that was directed at him. How long had it been since he had seen that look? Longer than he could stand, he thought, and he never wanted to go another day without seeing it.

Gou stood up and flounced out of the room after her brother. On the way out, she made eye contact with Makoto and winked at him.

When she was gone, he sat on the couch next to Haru and smiled at him. Haru smiled back.

“Hey,” he said again.

“Hey,” Haru said back. “So you’re obsessed with me, huh?”

Makoto took his hand and squeezed, relishing the feeling of their fingers entwined together. “Only a little,” he teased.

Haru scooted closer so that their knees touched.

“Do you want to go out with me? You know, on a real date?” Makoto asked. “I’ll pay, we’ll talk… I want to get to know you again.”

“Yeah. I want to go out with you,” Haru replied confidently. The sparkle in his eyes intensified.

“You don’t hate me anymore?”

“Not since you kissed me,” he shyly admitted. It was absolutely adorable.

“Can I kiss you again?”

He nodded. “Yeah.”

He raised the hand not holding Haru’s and rested it on Haru’s cheek. Being able to talk to Haru again, to look him in the eyes and smile like they did when they were kids, was more than he could have hoped for. Being able to kiss him was something he had never even _dared_ to hope for.

With a happy sigh, he closed his eyes and pressed his lips to Haru’s for the third time. It felt every bit as incredible as it had the first time, and his heart leapt wildly and giddily in his chest.

From the other room, he heard Gou cheer.

“Get used to having me around, big brother! Just because my best friend is in love with your best friend doesn’t mean I’m going anywhere!”

Makoto laughed and kissed Haru harder. His heart was so full.


End file.
